The good news is I passed!
I am now a fully paid up and qualified member of the CIPD community.
The bad news is, the same day I found out I passed, I was also told I was potentially being made redundant.
Alanis Morissette couldn’t have written a better story. Irony doesn’t EVEN begin to cover it.
I feel like a little kid, out THERE….. gingham handkerchief attached to pole, heading out into the great wide recruitment ocean with absolutely no clue what to do next.
It feels that at this stage the chips are so stacked against me I really haven’t got a chance of clinging on to, let alone building a full and successful career.
I don’t work for a flash big corporation that will woo any prospective new employer. I haven’t really specialised because we (the royal public bloody sector we) don’t have the ‘resources’ to allow me to do that or there is no business need.
I haven’t had development opportunities thrown at me, or even made partially visible. I work in an industry where you have to make do and mend, you have to be inventive because there is no money to be otherwise. Can it be done for nothing, or free? This circumstance really doesn’t stretch you at the pinnacle of this industry, but it really makes you think out of the box.
I don’t have a career sponsor as that level of networking seems to be reserved for the full timers – I’m a mum, first and a professional second. I have to be.Both roles are so different, but my heart belongs to my daughter. Not being there wouldn’t be a sacrifice, it would tear me in half?
I chose a niche part of a business that seems to be driven by Employee relations. I don’t want to spend my days dealing with the emotionally draining squabbles of grownups. I have do deal with the drama that spills out of the gates at pick up, I really can’t understand how I can be listening to my daughters issues, and hear the same issues spilling from a phone conversation one of our advisers are having, with adults?
The pay is crap. The prospects are crap. But I do like my job. It fits. Everything just fits. My life. My work.
This is not what is toxic however.
I am toxic.
I have the wrong skills, in the wrong industry. I live in the wrong place. I have the wrong set of circumstances outside of work, and what I just have the wrong personality.
I am not professional. I am comfortable. I am brilliant but I am not a polished shiny stone.
I find superficial networking difficult.
I’m goofy, and nerdy and awkward.
But I am brilliant – and if that makes me arrogant then so be it. I know I can do bigger better things. I know I have good ideas. I know I have the knowledge.
I just don’t have that thing that makes other people more employable than me.
I really need to work in a relaxed environment, with people who have a laugh, want to think big, produce better and change the working environment for the future.
I guess I am just really scared that I will be lost on a heap, like the other introverted and unique parents who have come before me, because I just don’t fit.
There is no place for me, and I’m not sure how to fix it.